Oh, the emotional roller coaster I have been for the past week.
Yesterday I got to the point where I hated the world so much when I came home from work I went directly to bed and hid under the covers until CJ got home and set out to help me snap out of it. A foot rub, an ice cream cone, and many reassuring (and logical) words later I wasn’t cured, but I at least felt quite a bit better. I am seriously starting to wonder how, despite my fierce independence, I ever got along without him as my “roommate.”
I know that this happens several times throughout the year, especially in the winter. I just get paralyzed. I feel sad or angry to the point I just can’t function. My head buzzes and I think so many thoughts all at the same time that I can’t single any one of them out. Sometimes it’s hours, sometimes it’s weeks of me having to drag myself out of bed in the morning and then return directly to bed after work after spending what little energy I have being the lively and enthusiastic teacher my students know me as. Because I know my inner demons pretty well, I can deal with them. But I can’t deny or repress them, no matter how much I wish I could. We just have to live in harmony with each other.
Teaching is emotionally exhausting. I don’t care how much I am able to not take things personally and to separate myself from situations kids deal with, it still kills me. I can’t believe what our world does to its kids. Someday I’ll explain, but since I’ve had a sane-and-stable day today I don’t really want to get into it.
For those of you who read this blog often, you know that I recently changed jobs and have been having serious conscience issues as a result. It’s been really tough this week, as I try to get to know my new colleagues and students. I feel like I adopted kids (my old students), parented them for a while, then disowned them, and now I’ve adopted more kids (my new students). And I just can’t love them yet.
Filed under: drama queen, random, teaching
