where have i been lately? uncertain.

Yeah, so I haven’t posted in about two weeks. I will try to provide an explanation.

First, the shootings at VA Tech. That messed me up. Or rather, the media frenzy surrounding it messed me up. I was so livid that people kept searching for someone to blame for negligence that permitted the horrific event to happen. I ache inside for everyone who lost family and friends in the incident, but I am sorry, there is no one to blame. We live in an infinitely complex world where bad things happen to people who did not do anything to directly cause bad things to happen to them. With 6.5 billion people on this planet all acting on their own free will, random things happen that no one could ever anticipate or plan for.

I also ache for the family of Seung-Hui Cho. No one can begin to imagine the pain they must endure for the rest of their lives.

Another thing that bothered me deeply is the fact that we tune out daily (or rather, hourly) newscasts about dozens of people dying by gunfire, suicide bombers, and unimaginable tortures in other parts of the world. We pass it off with blithe acceptance that that is just how life is in other parts of the world. The second it happens here, however, it sends an entire nation into mourning and sets everyone on a rampage (or rather, a banterfest) to make the world safer… that is, until they flip the channel and become engrossed once again in American Idol.

So that event left me crabby and withdrawn for awhile. In addition to that, I was going through things in my personal and professional life that were making me feel unsettled — the kinds of things that, if I were to type them out, would make me feel even more unsettled when I saw them in black and white sneering back at me from the screen.

I was seriously considering pursuing a different job – this, of course, involved a great deal of soul-searching about loyalty, ambition, and the desire to be established for once in my life.

I have started actively searching for a new place to live. It is strange… between the ages of 16 and 24 I lived in 11 different places. I got used to packing up and leaving at least once a year, adjusting to different water faucets and allergens, roommates and light switches. I was portable. I was transient. But now that I have lived in the same apartment all by myself for two years, I am settled in. I hate the area where I live and my apartment feels too much like an apartment, so the prospect of going back to an actual neighborhood with diverse architecture and wood floors and heavy doors SHOULD be all optimistic. But something about it is bothering me. I think maybe it is the uncertainty… I have so many expectations for what life will be like after moving, and I will just have to wait and see if they are realistic or not.

I wish I could rescue my sister, or at least somehow get the message across to her that she is the only one who can rescue herself.

This semester of grad school is winding down… or rather, UP. I am actually taking two personal days off from work this week to work on projects.

I am eternally grateful to CJ for putting up with me through all of this. I am so lucky to have him.

There. I think I got it all out of my system. Whew.